I read a newspaper report about a divorce being granted to a young man who said his wife preferred to walk 10 kilometres from work every evening just to avoid having sex with him ( I can hear a lot of women chorusing, “Understandable!”).
This is a city couple we are talking about. I sympathised with both – the man and his wife. They’d been married for 15 months, and it was abundantly clear from the word go that there was a major, sexual issue in the relationship.
The wife barely spoke to her husband. She spent most of her time chatting with friends and relatives. He felt rejected, neglected, isolated. The wife offered zero explanation. Her long evening walk home was her way of sending him a strong message. He finally got it!
Most other men would have insisted on demanding their conjugal rights and forcing themselves on a reluctant partner.
Marital rape falls into a very grey area, and as a society we have still not come to terms with this vexing issue.
Most young wives submit meekly, figuring it’s easier to get on with the bloody job than resist. A lot of women take the easier option (submit) rather than fight with an aggressive, sexually aroused spouse. Men and women are confused about sexual protocol in today’s charged and changed times.
Frankly, this confusion is quite unnecessary – isn’t it pretty obvious? A good sexual bond is built on reciprocity. Sexual compatibility is a delicate matter that varies from couple to couple.
In order to arrive at a comfort zone, the couple needs to engage in an activity that focuses on a four letter word – TALK.
Without meaningful, honest talk, the other four letter word (LOVE) has no real meaning.
When both people in a marriage want sex at the same time, for the same reasons, the bond between them gets automatically enhanced and strengthened.
When sex is seen in isolation, it leads to isolation. And often the person who feels miserable and dissatisfied is the woman.
Traditionally, women are expected to ‘endure’ sex, not ‘enjoy’ it. That old-fashioned baloney may be changing for some, but not rapidly enough for the vast majority. Young wives are instructed by their mothers to ‘please’ the husband. They are warned that if they fail him in bed, he will look elsewhere and abandon them. Brides are advised to fake orgasms and pretend to enjoy copulation. Once the girl is married off, her sexual journey is defined by loneliness and feelings of low self worth. There’s nobody she can share these mixed feelings with. No one she can talk to freely. Her anxiety levels keep growing… till she finds her own solutions. Like taking a 10-kilometre walk home.
These are problems our society is very reluctant to address in a realistic way. Sex remains a taboo subject. When it is tabled, the approach is either puritanical or comical. The idea of women having control over their own sexuality, remains a threatening proposition. Wives who deny sex to their husbands ( often for perfectly legitimate reasons), are seen as cold, selfish , ‘uncooperative’ women who deserve to be taught a lesson.
Read: a withdrawal of privileges, generally linked to money. Simmering resentments start to build up during the honeymoon itself, leading to extra pressures on the marriage when humdrum domesticity takes its own toll on the libido.
Marriage counseling has still to take off in our cities. Rather than viewing counseling as a mechanism designed to save a shaky relationship, it is regarded with suspicion and hostility.
“There’s nothing wrong with me… I don’t need counseling,” is a common reaction from both partners. While women invariably blame themselves for the failure of the marriage (“I should have tried harder… my mother was right”).
Urban youngsters are attempting to turn convention on its head. But I am not at all sure the new equations are working.
Experimental and adventurous sex sounds exciting, especially in a highly repressed society like ours. But is this newly acquired sexual azaadi leading to better… happier relationships? More stability in marriage? I fear not. One woman walks 10 kilometres daily to avoid sleeping with her husband. Another commits suicide. Either way, there are no happy endings to this story.
As Muniya, Huma Querishi’s character in ‘Dedh Ishqiya’, reminds Babban, ably played by Arshad Warsi, “Just because you had sex with me doesn’t mean you own me.” Let a thousand Muniyas bloom!
